Shes outed you twice, once under influence and this time more than completely sober, then proceeded to loudly discuss your sex life in front of a judgemental group of biphobes who then proceeded to tell their SOs about it and are now probably telling anyone wholl listen about it. How horrible she is, violating you, your sex life, envisioning other people. It takes a lot of trust and vulnerability to explore kinks with somebody. But she's obviously done it before - all her friends knew it was okay to discuss and laugh about while she joked about letting him do "gay" stuff while she fantasies about other men. Then go for it. So (and this is where your perception of the relationship comes in) you have to determine whether she was going with the flow of the conversation or whether she does actually have an issue with that. When people start talking about things that are intimate, sometimes they succumb to the pressure (not necessarily peer pressure in the "tell us, tell us sense, but more the pressure to feel bonded, to feel close to friends) to share things they shouldn't. We must feel sadness and despair to know joy, as frustrating as that might seem. Do you actually believe that she didn't have any agency? There is nothing wrong with you. But it does happen and people can surprise you. Your wife betrayed your trust, and knowingly let her friends make homophobic comments. This crap has been swimming around for TWO FUCKING YEARS. Second, your wife may have been shitface drunk when she blabbed your secret, but she should have refused to talk about it thereafter. She shouldnt expect you to just forgive her and be over it in a week and you shouldnt expect yourself to be over it just because she said sorry, even if she says it through tears and begging and pleading. ! for a few minutes. How I interpret you feel: she betrayed your trust, she shared your private life, and then made fun of it. Right? Ive never felt this upset. Do you love her more than anything? Wife: (my name) I dunno what your heard but its not what, Me: (wifes name) I know exactly what I heard.. They didnt hear me come into the kitchen. Only point I wanted to make: it doesnt have to be one or the other. If she truly care about your feelings, she would not have put you down to make herself look and feel better. Dude, I am so sorry. She needs to take responsibility for it and how it made you feel. They honestly seem jealous if they care that much about what you enjoy sexually. It just seems like shes ashamed of it an projecting. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy. Rob the "state" of whatever you are going through of its power by giving it zero importance. It seems like it doesnt bother your one guy friend all that much and maybe having it a little out in the open will be nice. She failed at the number one attribute an SO needs to be, your SO's most ardent defender. I could only imagine how crap you feel right now. Her friends have always been cool to me. Honor every feeling, but don't become paralysed by them. So much this. I'd be more open about your sexuality; if you've nothing to hide then the nasty wives have nothing to attack. Your other half should be your protector but it turns out she's the instigator of making fun out of your sexuality - which should only be discussed between the two of you. She used your innermost private information (your sexuality) as fodder for gossip and jokes. Prepare to be known as 'that guy who is really sensitive about his sexuality". Youre not overreacting. I don't know that I could ever trust and be vulnerable with her again. Life works in a whelm of duality. Dude that story is messed up. It shouldnt be that way forever, and hopefully it isnt one day. Your wife IMMEDIATELY tried to gaslight you as soon as she found out you heard what she had said. It mattered not, the day was mine. IN YOUR HOME. This is NOT on her timeline anymore. Then lots of hard conversations and a come to Jesus with your wife. Between stimulus and response, there is a space. But 2 years later she is still talking about your most sacred aspect of your personal life, by filling in her friends on the most private part of your life. Does it not show a serious weakness in character that she bull shitted like that? She just let it slip. So I would lean towards suggesting forgiving her and working on this. I would want to know why, if it was me. But at least this one has some panache. However you don't have to forgive and forget either; life isn't black and white. Stay strong man I can only hope you can move on from this with your confidence restored. I'd be crushed if I heard my wife's friend's say something like that, and then she just hangs me out to dry instead of standing up for me. If she cant trust herself to keep her mouth shut around her friends when drunk, then she shouldnt drink around her friends. She hurt you fucking badly. Yet, evrything else you've said indicates that she does value you: this relationship was not strained up until this point, and nobody (apart from some really messed up people) can "play pretend" for so long. And can think clearly. Its inappropriate her friends would gush over her ex with her (a married woman): I dont want to hear anyone talking up some guy I used to date while Im with someone else. I have a key and texted her I needed to stay there for the night and she said of course without any questions asked. But what usually happens when one partner doesnt respect the other is that it festers. Yeah, I'm a married woman. Only one thing to do in this situation. Acknowledge what you are going through sucks, don't judge it, & tell yourself the following: this is temporary. She should immediately be defending you if they're bigots and jerks about your sexuality. Do you believe what she told you? Your wives friends are just horrible little Voltures and spineless cowards, definitely go have that drink with your friend and have some time to just calm down and have a break from this shit show. Fuck her. You feel emasculated about something that's a part of you because you hide it Weirdly plenty of women like men who like men too. From everything, the most painful one was when exposition. Id give yourself more time before going home and talking. As an aside, in tandem I would "shore up" the masculine vibe (I'm reluctant to say it, but if shes confronted with sommething she may traditionally view as feminine then it will prove a great juxtaposition if you are more "direct and masculine" while shes going through this priocess). Shes married to a bi man, and her idiot friends shouldnt have the power to make her feel bad about it. Take your time, make sure you heal on your timeline not hers. Just want to say the other husband is a stand up guy. The women were all on the patio outside. One friend asked her if she considered it and she said yes but ultimately she chose to stay with me because I made her happy and treated her better. 2) Your wife flat out lied about her grin and bear it attitude about your sex life regarding the "bi stuff" when she often initiates it. It's only a reference to who you choose to have sex with. We never fight. I feel for you and wish you the best. "Hey babe, sorry I shit-talk about you and betray your trust. I packed a bag, kissed the kids goodbye, and told them I was going to grandmas house to help her with something. Her exact words "I feel like i settled for him. If that partner had outed me to anyone, I would have never been able to trust them again. What drops it a full letter grade for me is that the protagonist is always an Abercrombie model. Gaslight, blameshifting, shamming, begging by the end and finally divorce. At the end of the day, passion doesnt make a partner, love care (a bit of passion/good sex) and commitment do. Personally I think you handled as well as could be expected - what with confronting the issue right away and pulling consequences for her violating your very personal boundary/secret. Your sexual relationship is basically the basis of trust in your relationship as a whole. Its unsettling that she would remain friends with people who dared to judge her in that way, and that she even tries to gain their approval by talking trash about the beautiful sex you two get to have together. She was shitfaced when she admitted your sexuality, was pressured to mock your sexuality by her terrible friends, and she didn't actually mean to completely fucking demean you sexually. hey i mean, im not married, live with my bf and have 2 cats and a dog. But it sounds like maybe those are friends of hers she should reconsider her position with. Your wife shouldnt have outed you to her friends. It doesn't matter if her friends judge her for things - she needs to stand up for you as her husband. Think about you right now, and what you want. Therefore I would talk to her about her views on it and, if necessary, go to couples therapy on this. Right now is the time for your wife to stand by you. The only talking I'd be doing at that point would be discussing how she wants to split custody. Whenever theyre in bed together, the thought of her thinking of other man will show up in his head. Let's give your wife the benefit of the doubt for a moment. My identity was something I held tight to my chest for years. Possibly she has to talk to the friends and say that she loves her man, and she loves his kinks, and that she was only saying that stuff to gossip. 2. There are hundreds of roles people play all the time. Fourthly, buy that man a beer. My parents stayed together for my sister and I and I honestly wish they would have split a long time ago. Peter Bridgens, 72, from Birmingham, started his tattoo suit at the age of 36 and took him And regarding the "I let it slip while drunk" part, she's still responsible for her acts while drunk, and if she isn't she shouldn't be drinking. You have a couple of children and a good life up until now. I live in a fairly large Canadian metropolitan area, most guys I know and hang out with are even a little bi. You dont need to have the talk tomorrow. Its very helpful to be able to be open about everything with our friends, cause it makes our open marriage life so much easier without having to keep it secret and hidden, so Im really sorry that you guys have to keep your bisexuality such a secret. Im scrolling Reddit at night because its an escape from my own personal issues, so I might not be connecting some dots. I think you handled that really well. She said that was why she made the comment about thinking about Tom during some things we do sexually because she felt they were judging her for being with me. What she did was the lowest of the low and completely unacceptable. She did not need to provide more information. People do stupid shit. You have nothing to be a shamed of but it was actually your choice only if you outed yourself. And why do you feed their judgement by throwing your husband to the wolves over this? So many unnecessary details. But it needs to be on your terms. So here is a truth I don't think many men/women/etc get: SO's talk. The fact she cares more about her homophobic friends opinions of her than her relationship with her partner says a lot. From what Ive been told by friends and family my wife and Tom had a hot and cold volatile relationship and he was not the best to her (cheating, controlling). You're definitely overreacting but to a strange set of circumstances. To me this is an unfortunate situation one you would never have known about but for some low key curious snooping and snooping isn't meant as you were being a sneaky individual just a situation happened and you were part off it. Good move tossing them out and then leaving as well. I hope you can work it out. Well he's not open about being bi so I'm pretty sure he does care about it. Do good anyway. We have 2 amazing kids. Even individual counseling as well, to help you understand your own feelings and what you want to do in this relationship. Anything she says in the moment right now can't be trusted because she'll do or say whatever it takes to keep you. Fuck her if she cannot be your confidant she's worthless, tell her to get rid of her hateful friends. Saying that it was simply too small. It's mainly drunk talk and a bit of peer pressure getting to your wife and she clearly regrets it We all make mistakes sometimes but this is how you grow as a couple! She is reacting the right way to this, in that she's clearly upset and remoresful for her actions. Especially the part where she acts like its a close call between you and Tom to her girlfriends. She said two of her friends are judgmental and believe youre either gay or straight and since I enjoy men (only sexually, not romantically) I must be gay. I'm sorry. I think that you need a good week to try and think about how you feel, how you're going to be able to contain the gossip and how you move forward with the wife . You can be pissed and hurt and angry for now and work on it. My phone was blowing up the whole time with calls and text from my wife and a few from our friends. If you two have a solid relationship, you should be able to work through this. personally id be filing for divorce right away, being outed alone can be dangerous let alone your own partner then further breaking your trust by cracking jokes about your sexuality. Therapy is what you need. A DAD whose wife and kids stopped talking to him because he was covered in tattoos says he has no regrets. Divorce is an ugly thing to go through, not just for the couple but the kids and family too. I thanked him. That's just me, though. No true friend will stab you in the back. I'm not defending her actions. I don't know what I'd do. If it was truly a complete accident, she wouldn't continue joking about it with them. I bet you can still hold your head high with them. We have been married for more than 10 years and have . 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